A feel a change a coming....

17 days!!!!

That's all until I graduate with my Master's!

17 days!!!!

-s.

love=pain.

To have loved is to know pain.  Without pain we would not be able to celebrate the love that we have for others.  This pain helps remind us how special, wonderful, and fragile life and love can be.  I have felt this first hand over the past few weeks. 

This idea has never been more true then on March 2, 2013.  On this day I boarded a plane at 6:30am to Sacramento to find my dad waiting for me at the airport to take me to my grandmother to say my final goodbye.  The entire time leading up to these moments I found myself fighting back tears which were mixed with anger, sadness, and confusion.  I understand that these feelings are normal and they are all part of the process (thank you 2 years of counseling classes) but in each moment it is hard to remind yourself that it is ok to feel this way.  I am happy to say that I was able to see her, she was able to recognize my presence, and she even held my hand. 

She was surrounded by both her sons, my mom, and I when God took her soul back up to heaven.  It was a peaceful moment and I know in my heart that she was ready to leave this earth and begin her new life.  As I type these words I find myself still crying over the thought that my grandmother is no longer just a phone call away.  It was even harder today when I was at the store and saw Easter cards and the first thing I wanted to do was find the one with the cutest bunny on it to send to her.  It took me a moment to remember that no longer could I do this.  I know moments like this are going to be the hardest to get through.

Her funeral/memorial party were beautiful; just like her.  So many people came to both events, and expressed their love and sadness.  She had touched many lives during her time on this earth.  At her funeral a certain verse was read that really struck a cord in me.  It John 14:27-29 :
   

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe.

 

I know that she is in a better place where she can be with my grandfather, her sisters, and in no pain.  She can look down on me, bless me, and help guide me to down the path that our heavenly father has set out for me.  She is an angel and will help keep my family that is still on this earth safe.....though these things are all wonderful, I cannot lie and say that I am entirely ok with her taking this new form.  My selfish side comes out and all I want is to have her back in my life.  I want to be able to call her and talk about the exotic fruits that I received in my Bountiful Basket.  I want to hear her infectious giggle and the smile on her face when I sneak her an extra cookie even though she shouldn't have it.  However, these things are now just memories.  These are just a few of the memories that I will hold close to my heart.  These are just a few of the memories that will help me get through this pain I feel.  These are just a few of the memories that will help make each day a little bit easier to accept that she is now an angel in heaven.

 

Here's to final goodbyes, being angry, sad, and happy, and understanding that without pain there could be no love.

 

-s.

 

 

prayers.

Life is a beautiful thing.  We are born, we take our first breath, and we open our eyes to a unforgettable journey.  We take our first steps into loving hands, we say our first words, and we learn what unconditional love means.  During this journey there are people that show this unconditional love.  These people are the ones who help raise us, teach us, and show us what it means to be a good person.  

In my life I have been blessed with many people who have both showed and taught me the above mentioned things.  There induviuals have forever touched my life and will always be in my heart.

I found out yesterday that my grandmother had a stroke.  She is very lethargic,  unresponsive, hooked up to many machines, and not herself. It breaks my heart to think that this sort of thing could happen to such a wonderful person.  I know that these things can happen to anyone.  I know that this is god's plan and he will do what is best for her.  My dad is headed out to see her in a day or two (this is his mother).  He told me that they are doing many tests on her tomorrow which include a swallowing test, continuing to check her mobility, and then do a memory test.  They should have a better understanding of where she is and where she may go to if she is to get better.  If for some reason the doctors determine that there is not much hope for recovery and she has to be left on machines then her living will then take affect.........

Please pray for my grandmother.  Whether it be for her recovery or for her to rest peacefully....prayers would be very much appreciated.

Here's to living, being blessed with wonderful people, and the power of god.

-s.

ungrateful gratefulness

Ever have one of those weeks where each day seem's to get progressively worse....yah. that was my week last week.  It started out with catching a terrible cold.  Not being able to breath.  Having to carry my own box of tissues like a crazy since the University does not provide tissues in the classroom...then having to write a needs assessment and lit review for a class but having no motivation or energy to do it because I had used all my energy blowing my nose a million times...then waking up the next day to find a zit on my eyelid....when were zit's allowed in that region of my face!!!! Then the cold got worse.... woke up the next day with 4 canker sore's (talk about painful!)....and then I still had to go to school, internship, and work the entire week...then went to visit my parents but ended up getting no rest because I had to help them move...to come home on Monday and find out through an email that I had another part of my proposal and still had no energy to do it........and now it's Tuesday of the following week.

As I sit here and reread this post I notice how much time I just spent ranting and raving about how bad things are instead of focusing on the positive's of this past week.  Even though I had a cold at least I am alive, had money for cold med's, and a warm bed.  Even though I had a zit on my eyelid I did have glasses to help cover the monstrosity.  Even though I had to participate in all my usual activities at least I got to do something I love...and even though I had to help my parents move at least I got to see my parents.

Here's to colds, canker-sores, zits, and no rest, taking the time to vent, and realizing how lucky I am to have colds, canker-sores, zits. and no rest.

-s.

The numbers are dropping...my pant's are no longer popping.

It has been 3 weeks since I started Weight Watchers.  I have had my good days and my bad days; but for the most part good.  They seriously make it SO easy to stay on track and to stay motivated.  I enjoy that I can eat as many fruits and veggies as I want (luckily I LOVE both of these food groups.  I have lost weight, and it has mostly been because of a diet change.  I wish that I could say I kept up with my goal of working out more often but I have been so busy.  Monday-Thursday I am either at school, work, or internship.  I am lucky if I get home by 7pm most days.  At that point I am hungry, exhausted, and then still have to do homework or notes or plan for future session....the list of things goes on and on.  Still, the way I am trying to look at it is that even though I did not work out, I did go down in weight.  

So without further ado......I have lost 6.4lbs!!! 

 Not a big number, but not a small number either.  I am happy with this because it means I am loosing weight at a healthy pace, which then means I should be able to keep if off.  I hope to continue forward and continue to loose the weight and gain the sanctification knowing I did it in a healthy, happy way.

Here's too eating lots of fruits and veggies, still trying to find the motivation, and having pants that don't feel like sausage casings.

-s.

wise words from young ones.

Today, while I was working with a kiddo for GEAR UP instead of working on homework we started to discuss the concept of self-esteem.  She told me how some girls were being mean to her and that she did not understand why.  She then told me, "I am proud of who I am.  There is nothing wrong with me".

Seriously?!?! Seriously?!? SERIOUSLY?!?  This young girl (who is half my age) just said something that millions of people fight to believe each day.  

I fight to believe this each day.  

I am not sure that this girl knew the power her words held.  How important it is to believe those words and hold on to their meaning as she travels her life.

 I had no response for her after she said those words.  I just gave her a hug and smiled.  My heart was full at that moment....she helped me remember the beauty that we all hold inside...sometimes we just forget it's there.

Here's mean girls, being proud of who you are, and learning from young ones.

-s.

Making the positive change...again.

Well I am still on the pursuit of getting healthy, fit, and fabulous.  I have found myself being willing to put towards the effort for about 2ish months and then something happens (school, work, bag of Dorito's magically appears in my house) and I then get off the track. 

I woke up this past Saturday and went to put on a pair of pants that 'fit'.  I had just washed them so I knew that there was a chance that they were going to be a little bit tight.  When I pulled them up and could barely button them I knew that something needed to change.  I found myself getting emotional, even teared up a bit, about how I let myself get to this place.  I have never been super fit but I have never been super heavy either.  I somehow have been able to sneak past gaining tons of weight each year and instead just staying at a constant weight (which is a weight that I am not happy with).  I always start a program of healthy eating, working out, and trying to make my self-esteem grow. And then....I JUST STOP!

I am realizing that I can make all these changes that I have stated above, but until I am willing to really look inside and start the change in me I will never be able to succeed changing the outer me.  I like to believe that I am a independent, self-sufficient, strong, young women....but even with all those positive attributes I still find myself consumed with thoughts of ugly, lonely, and dissatisfaction. 

I really want this change.  I really want to break through this invisible barrier that always catches me and I give in to it.  I want to be able to eat what I want and not feel guilty; but still feel successful.  I made a decision this weekend and decided that I need help and that to start I wanted to be involved with something that would keep me motivated and accountable.  So.....I joined Weight Watchers.  I never thought I would join something like this, but they make it so easy to follow, so many choices, and I am also paying for it so I know I will use it.  I am nervous/excited to see how this new journey goes.  Hopefully spending $$$$ will really keep me motivated.  Cross your fingers for me.

Here's to being motivated, getting side-swiped by a bag of Dorito's, and starting the watching weight journey.

-s.