This idea has never been more true then on March 2, 2013. On this day I boarded a plane at 6:30am to Sacramento to find my dad waiting for me at the airport to take me to my grandmother to say my final goodbye. The entire time leading up to these moments I found myself fighting back tears which were mixed with anger, sadness, and confusion. I understand that these feelings are normal and they are all part of the process (thank you 2 years of counseling classes) but in each moment it is hard to remind yourself that it is ok to feel this way. I am happy to say that I was able to see her, she was able to recognize my presence, and she even held my hand.
She was surrounded by both her sons, my mom, and I when God took her soul back up to heaven. It was a peaceful moment and I know in my heart that she was ready to leave this earth and begin her new life. As I type these words I find myself still crying over the thought that my grandmother is no longer just a phone call away. It was even harder today when I was at the store and saw Easter cards and the first thing I wanted to do was find the one with the cutest bunny on it to send to her. It took me a moment to remember that no longer could I do this. I know moments like this are going to be the hardest to get through.
Her funeral/memorial party were beautiful; just like her. So many people came to both events, and expressed their love and sadness. She had touched many lives during her time on this earth. At her funeral a certain verse was read that really struck a cord in me. It John 14:27-29 :
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe.
I know that she is in a better place where she can be with my grandfather, her sisters, and in no pain. She can look down on me, bless me, and help guide me to down the path that our heavenly father has set out for me. She is an angel and will help keep my family that is still on this earth safe.....though these things are all wonderful, I cannot lie and say that I am entirely ok with her taking this new form. My selfish side comes out and all I want is to have her back in my life. I want to be able to call her and talk about the exotic fruits that I received in my Bountiful Basket. I want to hear her infectious giggle and the smile on her face when I sneak her an extra cookie even though she shouldn't have it. However, these things are now just memories. These are just a few of the memories that I will hold close to my heart. These are just a few of the memories that will help me get through this pain I feel. These are just a few of the memories that will help make each day a little bit easier to accept that she is now an angel in heaven.
Here's to final goodbyes, being angry, sad, and happy, and understanding that without pain there could be no love.
-s.
